Aftermath
by MadeofScars
Summary: What happens in the aftermath of the Fifth Man?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer - All NCIS LA characters etc aren't mine and Dave Kalstein is amazing!

I got tired of waiting for a post-fifth man fic so decided to write one, first NCIS LA fic, hope it's okay :)

* * *

Hetty: "Go gome, I will take care of the rest dear"

Kensi: "Are you sure?"

Hetty: "Yes, it's been a long day, go, get some rest!"

Reluctantly Kensi left barely able to keep her eyes open after the emotional rollercoaster the day had brought. Astrid was safe and sound, the mission was complete. There was really nothing further she could do at this point.

* * *

Kensi had barely sat down on her couch when there was a knock at her door.

Kensi sighed to herself knowing exactly who it would be.

Angrily she opened the door: "Deeks you shouldn't..."

He cut her off: "Remember when you said you owed me a beer everyday for the rest of my life?" He said cheerily smiling at her.

Kensi: "Um actually you said that and remember when I told you that I had plans everyday for the rest of my life?"

Deeks: "Touché..."

There was a standoff at the door as Kensi blocked him from entering folding her arms across her chest unimpressed.

Deeks: "We don't have to talk" he held up the six pack of beers he had carried with him "and besides, I come bearing gifts" he flashed her his trademark smile.

Kensi: "I'm tired"

Deeks: "Tomorrow is Saturday"

Kensi: "So what's your point?"

Deeks: "You can sleep in"

Kensi: "Shouldn't you be spending your time with that fitness model you've been seeing?" She sighed trying to get him to leave her alone.

Deeks: "Yeah...um...well apparently she didn't like me not taking her to Vegas..."

Kensi: "So you got dumped?" She asked raising an eyebrow.

Deeks: "Well... no... I wouldn't call it dumped exactly"

Kensi: "You so got dumped!" She was smiling at this point trying to not laugh as Deeks continued to come up with excuses about how he was not dumped. In the process of the conversation he invited himself into her place planting himself firmly on her couch. He stretched his arms over his head in an exaggerated gesture opening a beer for himself.

Kensi: "Really?"

Deeks: "What?"

Kensi: "Make yourself comfortable why don't you?"

Deeks: "Oh if you insist" He kicks his shoes off and puts his feet up on her coffee table, smiling his trademark goofy grin as Kensi glared at him.

Deeks: "So what are we watching here? Top Model? I don't think I can handle Top Model you know it's just too soon after the break up, I'm still heart broken." Deeks' joked in an overly dramtic fashion - he had clearly taken notes from the opera he had gone to see.

Kensi: "Yeah right you were with her for a week!"

Deeks: "Wounds take time to heal Kens..." The conversation suddenly turned serious in tone as they shared a knowing glance.

Kensi sighed: "Can you please go home." She said knowing where the conversation was heading.

Deeks: "No... I don't want to waste a perfectly good beer" he smiled trying to lighten up the conversation again offering her one.

Kensi: "Fine you can stay but, I have one condition..." She stated taking the beer from him.

Deeks: "Which is?"

Kensi: "We don't talk about today"

Deeks: "Done." He moved his beer toward her "cheers"

Kensi: "Cheers." She clanged her bottle against his as they sat in silence for a minute before Deeks finally said something.

Deeks: "So, are we just going to sit here staring at a blank screen?"

Kensi: "Yep. Wanna go home yet?" She suggested smiling at him.

Deeks: "Ahuh I see what you're trying to do, I'm onto you Fern"

Kensi: "Oh my god! What is it with you and that stupid name?"

Deeks: "You love it, c'mon I know you do!"

Kensi: "No I don't."

Deeks: "Yes you do!"

Kensi: "Don't"

Deeks: "Do."

Kensi: "Don't"

Deeks: "Do. You know this could go on all night right?"

Kensi: "Don't and no it won't because I will win."

Deeks: "Ah yes you do and no you won't."

They were interrupted by a text Kensi received.

Deeks: "Who is it?"

Kensi: "Hetty."

Deeks: "What'd she want?"

Kensi: "She told me to go to bed and get some rest"

Deeks: "Really?"

Kensi: "Yep. And she also said that you should get some rest too"

Deeks: "Hah! Nice try Fern, she didn't say that."

Kensi: "Actually she did." Kensi handed the phone over to him.

Deeks: "What? How does she know I'm here?"

Kensi: "She's Hetty, she knows everything."

Deeks: "Well if that's what the boss ordered then who am I to argue with her?" He said standing up. "C'mon we're going to bed."

Kensi: "We?"

Deeks: "Hetty said we needed rest" he said with that goofy grin back on his face.

Kensi: "Yeah well she didn't mean it like that"

Deeks: "Maybe not but you're exhausted and I'm not leaving you here alone tonight."

Kensi: "Deeks I'm fine just go."

He shook his head sighing, 'that damn word fine again' he thought to himself.

Deeks: "No I'm not leaving you, I'll crash right here on the couch"

They argued back and forth until Deeks had finally reached his limit: "Hetty told me what happened to you after your dad died." He blurted out...

To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Thanks everyone for all of the reviews. This was really an out of the blue spontaneous decision to write, my main focus is on finishing my thesis right now, so apologies for the updates from now on and the vague writing style and general suckyness etc. I'm sure there will be a lot of amazing fics upcoming. Enjoy. p.s. sorry about the cliffhanger - I hate reading those too, bear with me!

* * *

"She said you lived on the street for almost a year" he said softly as his blue eyes pleaded with her for forgiveness as if he was trying to apologize to her for knowing this information that she hadn't divulged.

She couldn't see that his intentions were in the right place as the anger boiling inside of her took over. "She had no right to tell you that" Her voice was stern as she bit back the emotions bubbling beneath the surface just waiting to burst out in a flurry of pain and hurt. These were emotions that she had kept inside for too many years, still too raw to deal with. They had been shoved back beneath the facade that she put on everyday in order to protect herself. She had learned the art of protecting herself from her father, but she had perfected it the day she took to the streets.

"She knew I was worried about you Kens" He said risking his own life by stepping closer to her, trying to cut off the distance that Kensi had put between them. She turned away from him similar to the scenario that had taken place just hours before in the boat shed. There was no way in hell she was going to let him see her cry. The tears were threatening to fall at this point but Kensi refused to let them slip out easily, stubborn from the day she was born.

"You don't always have to be Wonder Woman you know... I didn't pressure you about talking earlier because we were at work, I get it, you have to hold it together for the sake of the job, we all do, but we're not at work now, it's okay to let it out Kens... and I want you to know that I'm here for you." He offered although still not daring to close the proximity between them just yet.

She suddenly turned around to face him before bitterly replying: "So what are you expecting me to do? Breakdown crying in your arms like some blubbering mess?"

"What? No, I didn't say that?" He replied defensively not intending to offend her anymore than he already had. She only glared in response to his bumbling explanation. "Kens, even if you did do that I wouldn't think any less of you, I'd never think any less of you... you're always going to be the strongest person I know, _nothing_ is ever going to change that okay? _Nothing_."

"Yeah well.. I wouldn't be so sure about that..." She replied somberly walking away from him.

To his relief however she sat down on the couch opening herself another beer. "What do you mean?" He asked with an inquisitive tone, not even bothering to mask the concern he was feeling at this point as he joined her on the couch.

"I'm not strong... I'm anything but strong..." She said softly peeling away the label of the bottle of beer she was holding trying to distract herself from the direction in which this conversation was heading.

He waited patiently for her to continue, knowing that getting her to calm down was a victory in itself. He couldn't bring his eyes away from hers as she continued to look down at her beer. He could see the inner battle she was waging with herself trying so hard to fight back the emotions she was feeling. As a minute passed Deeks couldn't take the silence any longer. He reached over and took the bottle out of her hands, lightly brushing his fingers against hers in the process. "Hey, c'mon, look at me" he said putting the beer on the table before turning his attention back to her. He was sitting uncomfortably close to her at this point as she continued to look down at her hands. "Look at me." He repeated gently putting his hand on her knee. She glanced at it before finally looking up at him. "You can tell me anything remember, _anything_" He said as their eyes finally met in a semi-staring competition before she finally turned away putting some distance between them on the couch.

Kensi sighed, this guy would just not give up... A few moments of contemplation passed before she finally broke her silence. "Today when I chased after Astrid..." She said softly unable to look at him. He was unphased by it, he was just happy that she was finally talking. "I... I... chased her to the train tracks... told her stop..." she was getting choked up at this point finally letting go of the tears that had been threatening to fall all day before continuing "There was a train coming, I wasn't sure if she was going to move back or not." She finished swallowing hard, turning her head away from Deeks as she brushed the tears away.

"I uh... When I ran away... I was in exactly the same scenario..." She choked. Deeks gave her a confused look before she continued "One night I was walking over the train tracks to get back to this rundown place I had been staying at and I paused... I paused and I just looked at this oncoming train and I thought... I thought that maybe if I just stood there then all the pain would just stop..."

Deeks' eyes widened as the realization of what she had just said sunk in. He swallowed hard contemplating the consequences of her not moving before finally building up the courage to ask her: "What made you move?"

"Jack."


	3. Chapter 3

Hi everyone, so sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up. To anyone still reading - thanks for sticking with me. I do apologize for the nature of the flashback sequences, war is hell and there are no winners in it. It is much longer than I originally intended, hope it isn't a drag. Enjoy :)

* * *

"Jack as in your ex-fiancé Jack?" Deeks wanted, no, he _needed_ clarification from her. "That Jack?" He asked still shocked at her sudden confession.

"That Jack..." Kensi said diverting her eyes away from his.

"Wow." Deeks said more to himself than to her, he was still shocked that she had just shared that with him.

Silence fell upon them as Kensi built up the courage to continue her story. Slightly turning her body to face Deeks she remained sitting at the far end of the sofa. It was a safety buffer that she so desperately needed if she was going to get through the entire story, if she was finally going to open up about one of the darkest chapter's in her life.

"He screamed and screamed at me to move..." she sighed slightly as she finished the sentence.

*Flashback*

_Jack had just spent his first night of freedom from the military at dinner with a few of his old friends from high school_. _They had enjoyed the night out catching up on old times, discussing their chosen career paths, and their hopes and dreams for the future. Well, they discussed those for all of five minutes, the rest of the time had been spent drinking and playing practical jokes on one another. Jack had called it a night shortly after 2am, deciding to cut through the back roads to get home. Walking late at night was a strange experience for Jack, having been conditioned to obey strict curfews imposed throughout his military training, having the freedom to roam was somewhat novel. _

_The cool winter air cut through him as he plunged his hands into the pockets of his thick jacket. "Only fifteen more minutes" he muttered, now regretting drinking that last beer that rendered him unable to drive home. Slowly approaching a bridge situated just across a railway track, he absentmindedly hummed to himself recounting the night and smiling as he thought about his friends. Jack approached the side of the bridge looking down at the track below him. It was completely deserted, nothing but lonely steel stretching around the corner, off into the distance.  
_

_He picked up a few rocks scattered around the bridge, having been a quarterback throughout high school he couldn't resist flinging them into the distance below, watching as they bounced a few times before coming to a halt. He had been offered scholarships from a variety of universities, turning them down to embark on a military career was the easiest decision he had ever made. __He came from a strong military background, his father was a marine, his grandfather had served in the army, it was only natural that he would embark on a military career after high school._  


_After a few minutes he heard the rolling wheels of a train approaching causing him to turn around and walk towards the other side of the bridge. He wasn't prepared for what greeted him on the other side. A teenage girl, dark brown hair standing in the middle of the track? "No, surely not" Jack thought to himself. blinking a couple of times in disbelief. The lights of the approaching train were just beginning to break through the fog in the distance, powering ever closer to the figure on the tracks. _

_"No, surely she's not going to... No... NO!" Jack said aloud his voice rising as he realised the gravity of the situation he had just stumbled upon.  
_

_"Move! Move! What the fuck are you doing? Move!" Jack screamed, running as fast as he possibly could to get down there in time.  
_

_Jack's extensive military training paid off as he reached her on the railway line in no less than ten seconds maximum. She was clearly in a trance when he approached her, drastic action was the only way of getting through to her. With the train still furiously approaching, horn now blaring, clearly unable to stop in time, he tackled her. This was not like the movies, this was a tackle of pure desperation and one without a soft landing at the end. Jack tried his best to turn them in mid-air to break her fall with his own body, however there was no cushioning their fall. The sound upon impact was a continous roar as rocks were sent flying downhill as they both travelled at pace down the steep slope. Eventually they came to a halt as they hit the bottom and rolled into the comforting embrace of leafy green bushes coupled with sticks and branches.  
_

_"Are you okay?" Jack asked, breathing intensely as he looked down at her.  
_

_Kensi was still shocked at what had just happened, staring at the man before her wide-eyed she couldn't say a word.  
_

*End Flashback*_  
_

"If he didn't show up... I don't think I'd be talking to you right now..." Kensi murmured in a somber tone, her head dropping down.

Deeks just sat there listening, taking in what she had just said, he swallowed, fighting back the emotions that were rising within himself. Thinking about how close he had come to not ever knowing her he contemplated what his life would be like without her in it. They had become so close over the course of their partnership, hanging out on an almost daily basis. The prospect of life without her was... well, if he was honest with himself, it was terrifying. Even during his time with LAPD he had never been this emotionally invested in his partner.

Deeks found himself struggling with a range of emotions as he thought about the events that had led to Kensi's suicide attempt. There was anger at that bastard Peter Clairmont for murdering Kensi's father. There was a mixture of admiration and disgust for Jack, a man who had both saved her life and destroyed it in the space of a few years. These were perfectly understandable emotions, yet they were not the strongest emotions he had felt. The strongest by far was fear, namely the fear of losing her...

Deeks was quickly snapped out of his thoughts however as Kensi continued to speak. "It was his first day off... " She stated, smiling as she remembered the man that had saved her life. "God... everything about him, the way he carried himself, the way he spoke... it reminded me so much of my dad..." She confessed smiling yet wiping away the stray tears that were falling down her cheeks.

She paused several times trying to regather herself as she continued to tell Deeks about her past with Jack.

"Being deployed in Fallujah destroyed him... I wish we had never gone into Iraq..." She said bitterly, a firm glint of anger evident in her eyes, Deeks identified it immediately and knew he would have to tread carefully.

"He said that we went into Iraq to fight a war against terrorists... but... we were the real terrorists..." She choked out, remembering the sordid details that were in the reports. "We killed innocent women and children there Deeks... It destroyed him... he came back a completely different person, god I wish, I wish he had never gone over there" She said, frantically swiping at the tears that were falling freely.

Deeks just listened, allowing her to talk uninterrupted. This was perhaps the quietest he had ever been around her.

"That night... he saved my life yet when it really comes down to it... I couldn't save him... I couldn't stop the nightmares, the guilt, the pain..." She sobbed finally losing all self-control. For so many years she had kept these emotions inside, locked away, never allowing herself to go back there... until now. She put up no resistance when Deeks scooted closer to her on the sofa, wrapping his arms tightly around her. She didn't even attempt to push him away, Deeks knew that what he was witnessing was a once in a lifetime moment, this was not the Kensi he knew, there was no sign of 'Bad ass Blye', just raw emotion.

"Shhhh Kens, that's not true..." Deeks stated trying to comfort her. "You did everything you could for him"

"You don't know that Deeks, you have no damn idea!" She replied bitterly trying to pull away from him. She was trying desperately to regain her composure, utterly disappointed in herself for surrendering to her emotions.

"No I don't but Kens, I know you and I know that you would have done every possible thing to help him..." Deeks replied, holding her a little tighter, despite her protests. "Shhh Kens, it's not your fault..."

"But it is my fault Deeks..." She said sadly pulling herself away from his embrace. Deeks remained close though refusing to give her any space as he sat beside her, their legs touching.

"Deep down I know why he left... and it was because of me..." She said looking at Deeks, finally making eye contact. "I pushed him to talk about what happened in Iraq" She conceded, almost defeated in her tone and in her body language as her shoulders slumped down, her head tilting down.

"So what you pushed him to talk Kens, he's a coward!" Deeks blurted out, disagreeing with her.

"No... there's more to it..." Kensi replied.

"Really?" Deeks said refusing to believe that it was her fault.

"On Christmas Eve we got into this huge argument about him not taking his medication. I had never seen him that angry before, that lost... It terrified me... I suggested that he needed to talk about it and he just lost it... He uh... he hit me." She confessed.

*Flashback*

_"Jack you need to talk about it." Kensi pleaded.  
_

_"You want me to talk about us killing kids Kensi? Huh? You want me to tell you how we used Uranium on 'em huh? You want me to talk about the birth defects that their kids are going to be born with? You want me to talk about how members of our military raped women and then bragged about it in a fucking video? That's what you want me to talk about? Huh__? Is it?" Jack screamed, reliving the nightmares of his time in Iraq.  
_

_"Jack, calm down" Kensi said terrified of the look in his eyes. They were a dark and furious shade of black and were piercing to look at. She had never seen him like this before.  
_

_"Calm down? Calm fucking down?" Jack said towering intimidatingly over her, reliving the atrocities he had seen during his time abroad.  
_

_"Jack please."  
_

_"No, I can't calm down, look at me I'm a fucking mess" He said holding up his visibly shaking hands.  
_

_Kensi looked at them, the uncontrollable shuddering made her feel sick to the stomach.  
_

_"I can never ever forgive myself for what happened over there, for what we did to th__ose people. __And for what?____ What the hell did they do to deserve it huh?_" Jack asked, tears now trickling down his face. "Nothing, they did absolutely nothing" He finished collapsing down on his knees.  


_"Jack don't do this to yourself" Kensi pleaded, taking his hands in her own.  
_

_"Don't." He replied, snatching his hands away from her. She persisted though, stubborness was her middle name afterall. She wrapped her arms around him, attempting to bring him comfort as he just sobbed.  
_

_"Shhh Jack it's okay, let it out" She said rubbing his back. "It's okay." She repeated over and over again trying to soothe him.  
_

_"Stop saying that!" He snapped, struggling out of her grasp, before she knew what was happening his hand connected with her face. She landed with a thud collapsing down on the floor in front of him.  
_

_She looked up at him in shock, her lip beginning to bleed from where he had caught her with the slap. He just stared down at her, his eyes still full of rage. "It's not okay, and it never will be!" He said storming out and slamming their bedroom door shut.  
_

*End Flashback*_  
_

"He hit you?" Deeks asked raising his voice a lot higher than he had meant to, his blood boiling.

"He slapped me across the face..." She confessed.

"That son of a..."

"Deeks, it's okay..." Kensi said trying to reassure him that she was okay.

"It's not okay!" Deeks yelled angrily, standing up and pacing around the room. He had seen it far too many times before with his mom. He had seen her get hit, his dad would string together some half-ass apology the next day and swear that he would never do it again. What made it worse was that his mom actually believed him... It was a vicious cycle repeated far too frequently for any child to witness. What made it worse was the fact that his mom defended his dad time and time again. So when Deeks heard Kensi saying that it was okay, it sounded far too similar to what he had heard from his mom all those years ago.

"I know it isn't okay Deeks, what I was trying to say was... that... that I'm okay now." She said standing up and reaching out for his hand. "I'm okay" she repeated, trying to calm the anger clearly still evident on her partner's face. She squeezed his hand slightly before leading him back to the sofa. She released it once they sat down.

"He left me a note saying why he left." Kensi confessed almost casually.

Deeks was taken aback, "You said you didn't know why he left."

"I only said that because it was a lot easier than admitting that he had hit me..." She replied matter-of-factly.

"Wow." Deeks nodded his head in agreement, his eyes were still wide with shock upon hearing her revelations.

"Yeah..."

"So ah... What did the note say? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to..." Deeks said genuinely.

"No, it's okay... He basically just said that he didn't trust himself when he was around me, that it terrified him that he had hurt me... and that he was leaving before he could do anymore damage." She said shrugging as she took a sip of her beer.

"Wow" Deeks said again, this new information was something he had never ever expected to hear from her. It showed how much their partnership had grown over the years. "That uh... wasn't easy for you to say..." Deeks stated knowingly. Despite her cool, calm demeanor, he knew she was downplaying her true feelings.

"No..." Kensi replied, maintaining eye contact with him.

"Thank you... you know, for trusting me enough to tell me that." He stuttered out in true Deeks bumbling fashion.

"No problem, _partner_" she stated picking up his beer and handing it to him, similar to the night Deeks had come over after Kensi's op with Stanley King. They clanged their beer bottles together exchanging "cheers" before taking a sip. A long silence fell upon them...

* * *

The End? Probably... Thanks for getting this far :) No idea if I will write another chapter, or what it will be about. Thanks guys!


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